*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman