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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.