*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
You Might Also Like
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.