[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Well, this explains it:
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Please do it!
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
what the
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.