WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change