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Moles
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.