Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I’m aging like a fine banana
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.