manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.