year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.