Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
craving $300 all of a sudden
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me driving through Toronto
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.