Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I need to get some bricks…
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Who called it baking and not making love
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened