ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
scares
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …