‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
You Might Also Like
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
🙅🏻
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Social Media and Real life
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said