“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).