*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Breaking news:
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project