acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD