[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
🙄😏😂🤣
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.