I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water