“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
You Might Also Like
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Catering service
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Plant care tips
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother