I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
You Might Also Like
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.