WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was