BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
lol
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.