I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
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New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you know, you know
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.