Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
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I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.