How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.