Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you