Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]