The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Said the murderer.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Hit me in the face with a bird
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.