I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.