ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Breaking news:
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
X-tra spooky blend
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here