my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.