When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
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I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Knock Knock
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.