People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.