It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
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Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.