Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.