[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
the short answer to this question
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.