I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)