I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My life coach traded me.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I can fix him.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
This kid is going places
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably