A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
You Might Also Like
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?