Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.