Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
time for some seasonal decor
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.