Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?