Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.