[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest