Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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Growing up was a huge mistake
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Bike is short for Bichael.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
What the hell is going on?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal