Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
You Might Also Like
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger