*pronounces patio like ratio
You Might Also Like
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
tell em, edith-anne
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
oh my gosh!!