We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
respect
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”