What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’m Sold!
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
smartest karate player in the world
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Mmmm canned fish.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel