If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Butt weight. There’s more!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?